"How noble is the journey of each human being, from Divine to dust and back again,
How brave to enter a body and dance the dance of existence
only to lose everything imagined to be true in the moment of death."
- ANNIE KAGAN : THE AFTERLIFE OF BILLY FINGERS
How brave to enter a body and dance the dance of existence
only to lose everything imagined to be true in the moment of death."
- ANNIE KAGAN : THE AFTERLIFE OF BILLY FINGERS
Grieving does not only affect us when someone dies....
As a live-in caregiver for 5 years, specialising in palliative care, I was privileged to have cared for many people approaching end-of-life, as well as supporting their families during the process.
I observed each person's experience as unique and very personal.
You may go through a grieving process as a result of:
* Death of a loved one
* Death of a pet
* Divorce, separation, or ending of a relationship
* Physical trauma, like serious illness
* Psychological trauma from shock
* Moving from a much loved home
* Financial loss, or bankruptcy
* Retiring, or being made redundant from your work
* Children leaving home for the first time
No one can tell you how long to grieve; there is no fixed guideline because is such a very personal experience and it will take, as long as it needs to take.
There are 5 stages that comprise the grieving process, although you may not experience every one of them; this is just a guide to help you recognise that what you might be feeling is perfectly normal:
* Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”
* Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”
* Bargaining: “Please stop this happening, and in return I will ____.”
* Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything. Why bother?”
* Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what happened.”
In my own experience, grieving the death of a loved one was an overwhelming, dreadful roller-coaster ride. Every day was different. Some days I experienced a multitude of emotions and could not stop crying. Other days, I was absolutely numb, feeling nothing…just a void, barely able to function. When I found out my loved one was dying, I discovered that you actually go through the grieving process twice; while the loved one is still alive and then after they cross over. This was my experience:
Denial:
For months before he died we were in denial, determined to find a solution and to do whatever was necessary to help him get well. We maintained a hopeful attitude and resolved to take one day at a time, determinedly believing there would be a positive outcome, regardless of the doctor’s pessimistic prognosis.
Anger:
When we realised that he wasn’t going to get well, the anger surfaced and we each had to deal with our demons and the overwhelming anger that dogged us for days. We both kept going back over what we could have done, should have done, did, or did not do….wondering if there was anything we could have done differently. I went through blaming first myself, then my dying loved one. I felt so damn helpless and frustrated, useless and even betrayed.
Bargaining:
I found myself praying so hard for a miracle; I promised all sorts of things, if only the awful situation could be
turned around. I even begged in my prayers to be allowed to take on some of the illness myself if it would help my loved one.
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Depression:
Once it was obvious that no divine intervention was going to halt what was happening, I began to sink into a dark, deep pit of self-pity and despair. I began to contemplate the future and imagine how awful it would be. I slept fitfully and dreaded waking each day to the realisation that despite all my best efforts, my loved one was dying and I could do absolutely nothing to help. I found myself contemplating my own death as well; I could not imagine living without this person. My emotions were raw and tears overflowed for the slightest reason. Acceptance: Finally exhausted, we both reached a point of acceptance, knowing that we'd done our best; no one was to blame. We decided to make the most of whatever time we still had together and we made a concerted effort to make each day special. We made preparations for the end and shared memories, trying not to dwell on regrets. We then began to honestly share our thoughts and hopes about the afterlife and what it might be like. In the final weeks, I heart-brokenly assured my loved one that it was OK for him to leave and that he should focus on the light when the time came. Just spread his beautiful wings and fly! |
What qualifies me to talk about death, dying and grieving?
Read my book (written under my pen name) based on my personal experience of caring for a loved one with a terminal diagnosis. 
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after the death experience
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I had no idea what to expect and nothing could have prepared me for the emotional tsunami that followed. I had assumed that as I had managed, at some level, to accept my loved one's dying while he was alive, that I would cope with whatever came next. Nothing could have been further from the truth!! I fell completely and utterly to pieces. Whatever inner resolve had kept me determinedly putting one foot in front of the other for nearly two years, totally deserted me and I floundered like a drowning person. |
Shock
His death at home was very traumatic; we were alone when it happened and it was not an easy ending. I went into a state of severe shock and could not stop shaking and sobbing. This was not just crying, this felt like my insides were being ripped out. My emotions were absolutely raw and the slightest thing caused me to dissolve into wracking sobs again and again. Feelings of sadness consumed me to the point that it was a physical ache around my heart. My body trembled with emotion all the time, I dropped things, stumbled over my own feet and kept forgetting what I was saying in the middle of sentences. I was in a constant state of confusion.
Anger
Then the rage episodes hit me! I was absolutely, blindingly furious at him for dying, for abandoning me and forcing me to deal with the aftermath of his leaving. I ranted for days, overwhelmed by the rage that swamped me. I was totally irrational and questions flooded my mind, making me even more furious because I knew there was no way to get any answers.
Guilt
I see-sawed between the rage and feeling shamefully guilty for being angry and for the thoughts that had filled my mind and taken away my sense of peace. I was mortified that I had railed at him for leaving, after we had worked so hard to reach a place of acceptance about his crossing over while he was still alive. In fact, I was jealous that he was now at peace, while I had to continue dealing with the painful day-to-day stuff that comprises our human existence.
Disbelief
I experienced chest pains from tension, panic attacks, nausea, migraine and struggled to breathe at times. Sleep was impossible and when I did, my dreams were horrible. I walked around in a daze, utterly unable to focus, or make decisions – not even about small things. I couldn’t comprehend that he was never coming back, that I could never hug him or share a joke with him again. It all seemed so surreal, like a waking dream. I shut the world out and cocooned myself in silence, staring unseeing, with tears streaming down my face, wallowing in self-pity.
Fear
The fact that I was now completely alone, without any family nearby hit me and although I have been on my own many times in my life, I have never felt such a sense of aloneness as I did at that time. I had no one close to lean on. Friends helped when they could, but I understood that they had their own lives to lead and knew I had to find a way to deal with mine. I had to find somewhere else to live, as well as trying to come to terms with his death and working out how I would support myself going forward. It just became too much to deal with....
Physical symptoms
The stress finally caught up with me; I lost loads of weight through lack of appetite and feeling nauseous a lot of the time. Then exactly a month afterwards, I became dreadfully ill and was in bed for four days without the strength to get myself further than the bathroom and back to bed. I was feverish, nauseous, ached all over and had a constant migraine headache. Then after a few days an extremely painful rash erupted all over my face – Shingles, the physical result of all the accumulated stress! Months later, I was still struggling with lingering symptoms of the virus.
Depression
I was acutely aware that I needed to find a way to deal with the dark thoughts and feelings, before they swamped me and robbed me of the will to continue living. It would have been so easy to give up and sink into the black void of nothingness. But that’s not my way. I’m a survivor. I realised that I had to pull myself out of my “dark night of the soul” - no one else could do it for me.
Seeking support
I realised I could not continue to hibernate and that I had to force myself back into the world of the living. Firstly, I had to find somewhere to live and then arrange to physically move. That gave me a focus, although I was still struggling with the debilitating symptoms of the Shingles virus, which robbed me of all energy. I gathered my strength and a couple of weeks later I moved out and so turned the page and began a new phase of my life.
Counselling
I was very fortunate to have the support of the local St Luke’s Hospice and their Grief Counsellor kept in touch with me for a few months, which was really helpful. I needed to express myself, to share my memories, fears, emotions and feelings, in order to find a starting point for healing to begin. I didn't want people to forget my loved one, or act like he had never lived, and so I talked and talked, which helped me to process my grief. I gradually began writing again and this also proved to be a very cathartic aspect of the healing process.
His death at home was very traumatic; we were alone when it happened and it was not an easy ending. I went into a state of severe shock and could not stop shaking and sobbing. This was not just crying, this felt like my insides were being ripped out. My emotions were absolutely raw and the slightest thing caused me to dissolve into wracking sobs again and again. Feelings of sadness consumed me to the point that it was a physical ache around my heart. My body trembled with emotion all the time, I dropped things, stumbled over my own feet and kept forgetting what I was saying in the middle of sentences. I was in a constant state of confusion.
Anger
Then the rage episodes hit me! I was absolutely, blindingly furious at him for dying, for abandoning me and forcing me to deal with the aftermath of his leaving. I ranted for days, overwhelmed by the rage that swamped me. I was totally irrational and questions flooded my mind, making me even more furious because I knew there was no way to get any answers.
Guilt
I see-sawed between the rage and feeling shamefully guilty for being angry and for the thoughts that had filled my mind and taken away my sense of peace. I was mortified that I had railed at him for leaving, after we had worked so hard to reach a place of acceptance about his crossing over while he was still alive. In fact, I was jealous that he was now at peace, while I had to continue dealing with the painful day-to-day stuff that comprises our human existence.
Disbelief
I experienced chest pains from tension, panic attacks, nausea, migraine and struggled to breathe at times. Sleep was impossible and when I did, my dreams were horrible. I walked around in a daze, utterly unable to focus, or make decisions – not even about small things. I couldn’t comprehend that he was never coming back, that I could never hug him or share a joke with him again. It all seemed so surreal, like a waking dream. I shut the world out and cocooned myself in silence, staring unseeing, with tears streaming down my face, wallowing in self-pity.
Fear
The fact that I was now completely alone, without any family nearby hit me and although I have been on my own many times in my life, I have never felt such a sense of aloneness as I did at that time. I had no one close to lean on. Friends helped when they could, but I understood that they had their own lives to lead and knew I had to find a way to deal with mine. I had to find somewhere else to live, as well as trying to come to terms with his death and working out how I would support myself going forward. It just became too much to deal with....
Physical symptoms
The stress finally caught up with me; I lost loads of weight through lack of appetite and feeling nauseous a lot of the time. Then exactly a month afterwards, I became dreadfully ill and was in bed for four days without the strength to get myself further than the bathroom and back to bed. I was feverish, nauseous, ached all over and had a constant migraine headache. Then after a few days an extremely painful rash erupted all over my face – Shingles, the physical result of all the accumulated stress! Months later, I was still struggling with lingering symptoms of the virus.
Depression
I was acutely aware that I needed to find a way to deal with the dark thoughts and feelings, before they swamped me and robbed me of the will to continue living. It would have been so easy to give up and sink into the black void of nothingness. But that’s not my way. I’m a survivor. I realised that I had to pull myself out of my “dark night of the soul” - no one else could do it for me.
Seeking support
I realised I could not continue to hibernate and that I had to force myself back into the world of the living. Firstly, I had to find somewhere to live and then arrange to physically move. That gave me a focus, although I was still struggling with the debilitating symptoms of the Shingles virus, which robbed me of all energy. I gathered my strength and a couple of weeks later I moved out and so turned the page and began a new phase of my life.
Counselling
I was very fortunate to have the support of the local St Luke’s Hospice and their Grief Counsellor kept in touch with me for a few months, which was really helpful. I needed to express myself, to share my memories, fears, emotions and feelings, in order to find a starting point for healing to begin. I didn't want people to forget my loved one, or act like he had never lived, and so I talked and talked, which helped me to process my grief. I gradually began writing again and this also proved to be a very cathartic aspect of the healing process.
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Faith and Trust
I realised that I needed to go through the process of grieving 'before and after' his dying and I had to find my own way to deal with everything, to find peace and acceptance with the whole experience. I had bad days when I would rather have stayed in bed than face the world, but I didn't run away from the feelings on the days when the tears and sadness overtook me. I had to find the courage to dive into that black hole, to find my way back to the light. I can look back with deep gratitude that I was given the gift of the first-hand experience of death and dying, grief and grieving. This single experience has brought me more insight and lessons than any other experience in my life thus far. I know for sure that death is NOT the end. May You Be Blessed |
GUIDED MEDITATIONS To further support you on your healing journey, I have created a variety of relaxing Guided Meditations, on my YouTube Channel to help you connect with your own inner wisdom: 
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MY HEALING PLACE, IN NATURE, ON MY BELOVED MOUNTAIN....
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© Copyright reserved - Tarot Spirit Healing & Linda Jean Elder 2021
© Copyright reserved - Tarot Spirit Healing & Linda Jean Elder 2021